By: Amanda Morris |
I feel out of my trapeze… the bolt I felt was secure, the bolt I had fastened into my ceiling, the bolt that went in exactly like it should have and held up when I and my sons swung around for hours, days and weeks. It no longer supported me and I hit the floor hard. My trust in my ability and my trust in the trapeze lay with me on the ground. I looked up at the gaping hole in my ceiling, stood up, turned off the light and crawled into bed devastated as the feeling of betrayal washed over me.
I couldn’t stomach yet another failure right now. I wasn’t sure how to fix it. Spend more time hunting down a ceiling beam? – which would be easier if my house wasn’t built in the 30’s. It took me hours to hang it the first time, going back and forth between where the beams really were. I didn’t want to put it up wrong; I didn’t want to fall out of something I felt was secure.
I lay in bed and picked up the book I was reading instead. I wanted to get lost in the words on the pages and not lost in my failure and despair, I couldn’t think about one more mess up in my turbulent world. First with work and then with what could possibly be a relationship but maybe not?! It was another failed attempt to add to the ever growing list. My heart tore itself inside my chest. I am beat and broken, tired ad worn down, I don’t know if I can keep going on like this. Where is grace? Forgiveness? Help? Where is my break? My happy ending?
So I fell into the book and her hardships over mine; I am reading Lysa Terkeurst: It isn’t Supposed to Be This Way. And the more I read the more I felt a deep connection. She talks about her failed marriage and a diagnosis she didn’t want. And a line in her book reached out and grabbed me.
She writes, “God will give us more than we can handle. But he always has eventual good in mind.”
Eventual good – not in this moment or when I want it most or when I expect it, it’s in his time. He gives us all these troubles and trials not to hurt or wound us but with the hopes that we will see that we cannot do this alone, that we need to give them back to him to take care of in his way. As I lay in bed with my tailbone aching and my heart hurting I realize that I give him my “too much” problems because I know that he can handle them and I cannot, but he takes too long or I feel that I have a better solution since I am here and he isn’t. And I rip them from God’s hands and I try to fix my problems my way. The issue is I can’t. That is why I gave them to God in the first place. I can’t fix my broken heart. I can’t fix my failed marriage. I can’t change my bipolar diagnosis. I forget that God has ultimate control and his plan for my life far exceeds anything that I could ever dream up.
But still it is hard.
And my faith wavers. I want answers and I am met with silence. This is not the way it is supposed to be… but it is.
I reached out to a friend of mine that knows what he is doing and he came and looked at my ceiling and then looked at me. I waited to hear how silly I was, how I missed the mark. Instead he told me that he didn’t know why the trapeze didn’t hold. I DID put it in right; my drill bit was the right size. Everything that I had done was exactly what I should have, exactly what he would have done, exactly what he ended up doing. It was in that moment that I knew that despite my feelings, despite my faith I have people that I can count on, people I can call on and those who will help me when I need it most.
In Psalms 91, we are shown a faith that dispels fear, that no matter what goes on around us that God is protecting us. HE may not deliver us from the earthly trials, dangers and even death. But that if we trust that we are secure in God’s love we can experience an unwavering truth that God is with us in our time of need.
There will be hard days, and it is in those moments that those who have passed before can share their light. You don’t have to believe in God to help others. It’s OK to question the world; it’s OK to be mad at the situations at hand. We are not always dealt the best cards in the deck. Sometimes I think the deck is stacked against me, and maybe it is, maybe it’s just the hand that is bad and once I lay down the bad cards the cards I pick up will be better- but either way I know that I am not alone. And neither are you! Turn up your music, dance around your living room and let the world fade away. You can always hang the trapeze another day. It’s not in the fact that I fell, I will fall again and again before my days are through. The lesson is in getting back up, because the truth is that sometimes we fall. And that’s OK because we are still loved!
Today’s Truth: Psalm 91:14-15
The Lord says, “I will save the one who loves me. I will keep him safe, because he trusts in me. He will call out to me, and I will answer him. I will be with him in times of trouble. I will save him and honor him.
Today’s Prayer: Lord God, Help me see the disappointments in my life for the gifts you mean them to be. Guide me to understand and know you better. Your love for me is true and steadfast. Help me in my times of need to see you and for your light to shine out through me. In Jesus name, Amen.
Today’s Challenge/Response: What do you do when you have a bad day? Who do you call or reach out to when you need support?
Check out this resource: Book by Lysa TerKeurst: It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered
Amanda has invited you to contact her: firstname.lastname@example.org; Manda Lou on FB and over.the.garden.gate on Instagram. She shares a lot of real life and humor!